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So I’m kind of a downward slope in my life at the moment. Today is looking up because I am conscious, and sitting up. I thought I’d post, because misery loves company and I’m all alone for the second day in a row.

So here are some things that have happened in the last few months. Out of the list of people that I pray for to be healed, four have died. Including one woman that I had a prophetic dream about being healed. I lost my agent and wasn’t told about it. I entered a novel contest, wasted an entire day waiting to hear about the first cut because they didn’t let me know until 4am the day after they were supposed to, and I didn’t make it. I had a less than fabulous trip out to see my family, which opened up more emotional issues than I was really counting on. Realizing that all this was leading me into a looming depression, I decided to start asking people that I know are great prayer warriors to pray for me. Two did, and this led to two very compassionate but numbing experiences. I did find that my tae bo workouts made me feel better, and then promptly came down with a horrible cough the next day.

My husband pointed out to me the other day that I don’t really like it when people try and buck me up after I’ve received some bad news. And it’s weird, but I really don’t. On reflection, I feel this might be a result of being raised in a “put on a happy face” environment, but if something sucks I’d prefer if people just admit that it sucks. I also believe that it is truly mean to be angry with someone who is genuinely trying to make you feel better, so I try to be nice. I will say that when something good happens, everyone credits God with making it happen, and when it falls flat everyone says that God has something better in mind. In a situation like mine, this ends up making God sound somewhat schizophrenic after a while. I do truly appreciate it when my friends and family reassure me that they believe in me and that eventually I will make it as an author. When my friends are struggling with their faith, I tell them that they can lean on the faith of others. I tell them the story of the four friends who brought the paralytic to Jesus, and it was the faith of the friends that inspired Jesus to forgive the paralytic and then heal him. So now, I’m trying to take some of my own advice.

And I know I’m supposed to bring this to some kind of neat and insightful conclusion, but it’s just not that kind of day.

I did not make the quarter finals for the novel contest. I have already sent out some more queries, and will continue along that path. Thanks for your prayers, they were much appreciated.

My heart is breaking for those who don’t know you
who feel nothing of your friendship
have no access to your power
no knowledge of your love
your everlasting love
your gentle, powerful care
your concern for the smallest details
your rescue from the deepest evils.

My heart is raging against those who mislead them
those who reduce you to a set of requirements
with no help to be had
who hold up expectations of perfection
to humans made of dust
who build rules around rules around rules
crushing with spirit with an image
of a vindictive, demanding Father
waiting, watching for a slip-up.

My heart is quaking for the calling
to set the record straight
to bare witness to your goodness
to rebuke the storm of condemnation
to reveal your glorious riches to the poor
to strike a fatal blow to the cult of human will power
to speak boldly against men and women
with more power, wealth, and influence
than I can ever hope to achieve
because they have slandered your magnificent, merciful name
and led your precious lambs astray.

Yesterday I was just getting started on my work and doing the preliminary checking of my e-mail, when I saw an advertisement. In my life, I have probably clicked on one of the advertisements on my gmail about twice including yesterday. But this one was for a writing contest, so I decided to check it out. The contest was the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award, and here’s how it works. 10,000 entries are accepted between February 2nd and the 8th. An entry includes a pitch for the book, the first3,000-5,000 words of the book (an excerpt) and a completed and polished manuscript. Between February and May the whittle the candidates down from 10,000 to 500 to 100 to 3 and finally one grand prize winner. The grand prize is a $25,000 book deal with Penguin. Now the real question is, how many people in the world would find out about this contest on the 4th of February and already have a completed and polished manuscript ready to go? Well, I happen to be one of those people. So I prayed, I talked to some friends and asked them to pray, I talked to Ben, and then I stayed up until midnight writing the perfect pitch for my book and this morning I entered the contest. I, of course, would appreciate your prayers that God puts favor on my book with all the judges and panels involved in this process. The cool part too is that if I make it to the quarter finals (which I’ll find out around March 16th), then anyone with an Amazon account can read the excerpts, review them, and vote on them. So if I make the first cut you’ll definitely be hearing from me again. 🙂 But probably the best part for me is that I get to be excited about potential awesome success with that book again, and I can focus on writing my next one instead of trying to promote myself, at least until the contest is over. Thanks to everyone for your support and prayers, I feel really lucky to have so many friends who care.

This is just a question for anyone who regularly attends a church small group. If you have kids, or if you’ve ever been in a small group with people who have kids, what are some ways that the kids have been attended to during the small group? We just started a small group with kids in it. Last night we just let them hang out with us while we did small group, which worked a lot better than I thought it was going to, but I think it was hard for the moms. So I’m looking for ideas. Let me know if you have some.

I’m thinking about applying to be a student speaker at my graduation ceremony. My idea for a speech is a list of interesting things that I’ve done in college. I’ll start with a statement about being a non-traditional student, and how I wanted college to help me expand my experience so I’d have a wider worldview with which to approach my writing. So the list will kind of show that I got what I wanted out of my college experience, and it will be funny as well. I’ll be adding to it as I think of things, and probably not all of this will make it into the final draft. But it’s kind of fun to do for it’s own sake anyway.

1. Used the word ‘homo-erotic’ in a serious presentation

2. Better than that, shouted the C-word repeatedly in front of an audience of hundreds of people

3. Was asked what my vagina would wear and say

4. Pulled the brass door handle off of Lind Hall

5. Waited for buses in -20 degree weather

6. Danced the Samba in Lapa, Brazil

7. Got raging drunk in Bela Horizonte, Brazil

8. Performed my first spoken word piece at a literary reading

9. Reclaimed my latina identity

10. Declared freedom from sexual exploitation for all through a bullhorn from the steps of Northrop

11. Explained feminism to a male French-Canadian in front of Coffman

12. Judged a poetry slam in The Whole

13. Discovered what Herman Melville thinks about women

14. Listened to transsexuals read poetry about their life experiences

15. Was asked whether one of my short stories liked music

16. Conceived, planned, and wrote a novel

17. Turned 25

18. Worked in Rarig, and was told not to call the police if I heard screaming

19. Discovered my husband unending patience with my overblown work ethic

20. Learned to work in a group without doing all the work

21. Helped build a poetry library

22. Asked my grandmother about birth control

23. Was declared an honorary jew

There are twenty-six books I need for this last semester. This is going to be interesting. I thought I was going to be way ahead because I read six of them this summer. I’m not sure how big a dent that’s going to make anymore.

I’m having a great day today, though. I had breakfast with one of my pastors this morning, and I really enjoy her company. Then I got my hair cut, which needed to be done badly since the last cut I got was in February, before the Vagina Monologues. I went to Fantastic Sams, which I have discovered is better than Great Clips or Cost Cutters because the cut comes with a free shampoo. That was nice. The cut was pretty good too.

I also went to campus to pick up my books, hence my intro. While I was on campus, I dropped off seventeen crocheted hats at Sera Cura, which is a store I sell through. While walking between Sera Cura and Coffman Union I talked to one of my old Spanish professors, a friend from freshman year, got a piece of candy from Mercy Vineyard and talked to Liam, and had a very nice conversation with a girl from Amnesty International. Yep, I feel like a senior now. I also got the phone number of the woman I have to talk to in order to sell hats through St. Martin’s Table.

BTW, if you’re still reading, I am again selling hats and scarves and donating all the money to the AIDS crisis through World Vision. They make great Christmas presents, are made to order in any color and style, and can be shipped anywhere. There are pictures on my facebook if you’d like to look. Last year I was able to donate about $300, and I’d like to double that this year. Okay, commercial over.

A random girl shouted “CUNT!” at me as she walked by in the hallway. I believe it was said in solidarity.

Fake an orgasm in front of three total strangers while pretending to be a bisexual dominatrix. Do you think the fact that all three jaws were on the floor when I finished means I’ll get the part?