The Plague of Perfectionism

So I’ve had writer’s block for a couple weeks. I’d like to say that this is longer than normal, but I can’t really say. It always feels like forever when I’m in it and is quickly forgotten once I’m out. I’m sure it’s mostly due to some difficulties I’ve been having with sleep, which I’m certain is the result of general stressed-out-ness. That said, I realized something today as I was forcing myself to work on a little side project I started before the block.

I think I’ve been struck with the plague of perfectionism. I have to write most of what I write knowing that it’s not perfect and planning to go back later and fix it. Sometimes that later never comes because the stuff is not salvageable. Sometimes it turns out that it’s not as shitty as I think it is. And sometimes I go back, I see the crack, I smooth it over, and it’s like perfection a little bit. But that requires a level of comfort with imperfection for most of the process. Aspiring to that near perfection requires an element of magic or God or whatever I’m praying to that day. So it’s possible that I’m just stressed and therefore irritable and have less grace for my own flaws. Or, I might have lost faith in the magic.

One thing I know for sure. Pin-pointing the exact nature of my writer’s block doesn’t help that much.

Good Advice from Garden Gnomes

“The thing is, you can’t write about writing. It’s been done to death.”
The expression on my neighbor’s garden gnome was fiercely determined.
“Everybody says to write from life. That’s my life.”
I don’t make it a habit of arguing with garden gnomes; they’re known to be particularly stubborn.
“That’s why it’s been done to death. Adult writers lock themselves up in a room to work on their craft, and before you know it the only thing they have to write about is being locked up in a room working on their craft. Haven’t you ever read The Yellow Wallpaper?”
As a matter of fact, I have.
“How is it that you’ve read The Yellow Wallpaper?”
“This isn’t a real hose, smart-ass.” He gestured with the ceramic spigot that was glued to his hand. “I’m not actually watering anything, I’m just decorative. I get bored.”
“So you read second-wave feminist literature in your spare time?”
The gnome sighed deeply enough to make his little pointed beard tremble. “Did you hear the part about how I’m just supposed to be decorative? I have a special appreciation for Gilman. I like Chopin too, if you were going to ask.”
I was.
“But we’re talking about you and your lame excuse for a story idea. Why don’t you get out of your house and experience something? Inspiration doesn’t just fly out of your ass.”
“Hey!” I was taken aback. After all, that was the very reason I was outside and available to be lectured at by a garden gnome. “I’m outside right now, just so I can get away from my desk.”
“Humph.” The gnome was not impressed. “Standing on your itty bitty lawn and bemoaning your missing talent is not a unique experience.”
“Talking to a garden gnome is pretty unique.”
“Bah! I knew you’d find a way to crawl back in your hole. Fine! Go then. Some creatures aren’t meant to see the light of day. Like earthworms. And moles. Grubs. Bats. Cave fish. Hoffman’s two-toed sloth….” He waddled away, mumbling the homo genus of various nocturnal and underground animals.

Geeking Out

Recently, I started reading Aspects of the Novel by E.M. Forster. It sounds so cool to say that, like I’m a super responsible writer, investigating great commentary on my craft. Which is good, because it totally obfuscates the sad reality that I started reading that book because I’ve had trouble falling asleep lately. Nevertheless, I am very pleasantly surprised at how much fun I am having with it. I recall that I really enjoy the novel as an artistic form, that I have read a great deal of very heavy literature in order to understand the novel, and it is oh-so-much fun to read someone interesting and witty comment on that very heavy literature. Because despite the fact that E.M. Forster is a man, British, and dead, I still share a common experience with him. We have both read a specific set of books.

The cute husband is a tech nerd, and can talk endlessly (I mean it, someone has to make him stop) about the latest operating systems, cell phone carriers, internet providers, browsers, open share software, megabit storage, redundancy practices, and on and on. And honestly, I’m sure at least three of the subjects I just mentioned are fallacious in some way, and I have only scratched the surface of what he’s interested in. It confuses me, because while I love the cute husband with my whole heart, I cannot muster up a proportional amount of interest in those topics. Much like he cannot understand why I had to wake him up last night to read him this hilarious sentence where E.M. Forster said that Defoe’s characters are easier to analyze that Jane Austen’s, because Jane Austen’s are complicated by a plot.

It’s because we are both geeks, and we enjoy geeking out sometimes. We like to cull over topics that only a select group of people will understand. Not only are these topics particularly compelling for us at the outset, but it makes us feel special. Some people would think it’s funny that E.M. Forster said that Charles Dickens has no taste, but very few people would really appreciate why E.M. Forster thinks that, and how it’s different from how he thinks of Virginia Woolf or Sir Walter Scott. But I do understand. And so I will continue to revel in the witticisms of E.M. Forster, and because he loves me very much, the cute husband will nod and be glad that I’m happy.

A Bit of Awe

I have recently submitted my last book (The Other Side of Silence), to a publishing house. As it turns out, they’re a subsidy publishing house, so I will probably not sign with them. Nonetheless, it soothes a very non-picky part of my soul to hear that someone, anyone, is interested in my work.

This particular publisher is a Christian one, and specified multiple times on their website that they do not accept gratuitous sex, violence, and curse words. You’ve heard what I have to say on censorship (and if you haven’t, skip a couple of entries down), so it shouldn’t be surprising that I do in fact have curse words in my books. However, I don’t consider the curse words in my book to be gratuitous. Furthermore, this book has very little violence, and no sex at all. So really, I shouldn’t have to be too worried about objectionable content in this case.

What is far more concerning than the curse words, is the presence of a major character who is not strictly heterosexual. As I was reading through the manuscript myself (which I am doing mostly to clear my head before I plunge back into my human trafficking book), I realized that even if the acquisition department made it all the way through my alcoholic construction worker (who shockingly uses curse words), there is no way on earth they are going to be okay with my criticism on how the church treats even the mere consideration that one may not be entirely heterosexual. Ironic, since that character is also the most unapologetic Christian in the book.

But here’s what I’m hoping. Aside from getting published without an initial monetary investment and going on to fame and fortune. I’m hoping that whoever reads my book, or whatever part of it they’re going to read, will see a God they recognize in its pages. I hope, even if they absolutely will not consider publishing it, that they will feel sympathy for the character and be glad when God shows up for him. I hope the book will do its job. I hope it will inspire a little bit of awe for the creator of the universe and the savior of our souls.

Contact Improv

As some of you know, I started a round of P90X on Memorial Day this year. I decided that a good reward for finishing would be a dance class. At the time, I thought modern dance was where it’s at, and I enrolled in a beginners modern dance class at Zenon Dance Studio. I have nothing bad to say about that class, except that it just wasn’t quite what I was looking for. I missed a few classes because of my crazy weekend plans (and one surprise visit from my parents), and the studio lets me make up missed classes with any other class they offer. I decided to try contact improv. Here’s an example I found on youtube. The people in this video are way, way, way out of my league, but it’ll give you an idea of the form.

I’d experienced contact improv once before at Zenon’s open house at the beginning of the season. It was intriguing, to say the least. I’m a little scared of how much I like it. It’s just what I was hoping for from a dance class. A chance to really engage with my physicality, to explore senses that aren’t processed intellectually, and to be surprised at what my new fit body can do. I can do handstands, as it turns out. And cartwheels. I can lift another person’s whole weight with my back or legs. It’s a new space I’m discovering, with new kinds of touch and movement, dimension and gravity. I’m excited to see how this new experience manifests itself in my work.

Where Beauty is…

The cute husband reads a blog called Not the Religious Type, and frequently tells me about what’s going on there. This morning he told me two things about the blog. First, the main author is out of town and asking for guest blogs. Second, there’s a series going on about evangelism (and how people our age really hate that word). He suggested that I post something about my birthday art festival.

My first thought was that if anyone who went to the festival read the blog, they might be offended at the idea that the whole thing was a masked evangelism project. My second thought was, my birthday art festival was in no way a masked evangelism project. It is true that many artists described or spoke about God and his influence in their lives, myself included. It is true that there were some people present who would not call themselves Christian. It is completely untrue that either of these elements were part of the planning or purpose of the event. I spread my invitation net very wide, because I wanted a ton of people to be there, but I devoted no effort to making sure non-church-going people attended. The artists I asked to participate were asked because of their talent, not their religious views. The idea of setting up an art festival in order to evangelize offends me. It’s dishonest, and I suspect that it would result in some very low quality art.

That said, I do believe that art attracts people to God. I think God is in beauty, and so when you’re around a lot of beauty, you’re around a lot of God. The mistake that I see made quite often, is that Christians use art as an excuse to talk about God, rather than letting him speak for himself in what has been created. After thinking on it, I came up with four elements that go into planning the kind of event I love, where God is known through the beauty of creation.

First, appreciate creativity. The most important thing I do to bring artists together is to notice all the artists who are around me. I try to press into their creative expressions to truly appreciate what is there. It is too easy for artsy people to get snobby, to look at art in order to criticize while failing to appreciate. There is a magic that happens inside me when I start looking at art with an eye for what is beautiful and profound about it.

Second, invite and encourage. Because I am an artist, I understand that inviting an artist to do their thing at a public event is mutually beneficial. Knowing this has made bold enough to invite artists who intimidate me. I also invite people who don’t know they’re artists yet. I try to be honest with them about what I appreciate in their creations, I encourage them to come and share their work, and I reassure them that the environment in nurturing and accepting. I make the environment that way with step one. I spread my invitations to artists as widely as possible, trying to tap into the intentional appreciation of creativity in all its forms. Also, if someone offers to do something at a creativity night (or an awesome birthday festival), I always say yes. Practicing that has helped me widen the scope of what I consider art, and has brought some phenomenal new forms into my life.

Third, censor as little as possible. Artists hate censorship for a reason. It cripples our expression, requires us to falsify our experiences, and it puts arbitrary rules above the beauty of creation. I resist censorship if only because the art is better when it is uncensored. There is a built-in safety net there too, because if it is okay to say fuck, it is also okay to include a full gospel message in your poem. No one can argue that it’s offensive or inappropriate if the event is uncensored. The only reason I ever ask artists to censor their work is if there are children present. Even then, I usually offer a specific period that is family friendly, so artists with potentially offensive material can still express themselves freely after that period is over.

Fourth and finally, trust God. I am a Christian, and so I believe that God created everything that is. I believe that when I create, I am revealing part of his image within me. I believe that when something is beautiful, God is in it. So God was in Judah’s mathematical depiction of heaven, God was in Amy’s lovely seasonal metaphor for love, God was in a dark chocolate and berry cake, God was in little kids scribbling with crayons on a blank white wall, God was in Kevin’s sad and hilarious short story, and God was in Jen singing Lady Ga Ga. I trust God to show up in everything that’s good, I trust that God showing up will make it better, and I believe that people who see and experience God in beauty and art will fall in love.

Birthday Festival

I have no words to describe my totally amazing birthday party, but I will attempt it anyway. I’ve heard that’s what we writer people do. Fifteen performances, musicans, poets, spoken word artists, fiction writers, all of them fantastic. Four food artists producing deliciousness on a whole new level, which included a chocolate berry cake that I will be fantasizing about for the rest of my life. Ten visual artists filled an entire gallery with stunning pieces. Kids creating new art with paints and pastels. And in case you were wondering, a white wall plus a bucket of crayons equals the most awesome guest book ever. The theme for this party was “better than I expected,” and I was completely thrilled with it. As an extra bonus, my parents surprised me by flying out for the weekend, and my dad did an impromptu performance on his harmonica. I love, love, loved it. Here are some pics, there are more on my facebook.

Continue reading “Birthday Festival”

World Reflection

The world ripples and shivers
The world is liquid smooth
The world doubles back
It rises and falls
and I am only now seeing
that this is not the world at all
my sight so shallow and limitless
until now has failed to warn me
that my world is mere reflection
upon a silken sea
these colors steeped in blackness
are not reality
these waves and ripples
aren’t how the world should be
and yet
can I bear to lift my head
raise these half-blind eyes
attempt to absorb true substance
in place of reflective fantasy.

Cranky Activism

I really don’t want to write, talk, or think about human trafficking today. I’m working on the second draft of my book, and I’m tabling for Breaking Free at a community event this weekend, and I just don’t want to talk about it. I know how people are going to react when I tell them the facts, the shocked looks, the absurd questions, the disbelief and outrage. Those are all appropriate, that is how people should react when they hear this for the first time. But it’s not my first time, it’s my thousandth time. And because it’s my thousandth time, I start to wonder how many more people need to hear this and experience that shock and disbelief and outrage. Haven’t we been talking about this for years? How are there still people around who don’t know about it? But there are, lots of people. My perception of domestic human trafficking being common knowledge is based on my own skewed sample of activists and non-profits. But I would like to stop telling people that this exists, and start telling them what they can do to make it better. I’d like to start a conversation with: “We all know this is an issue, what are we going to do about it?” I would like the first part of that sentence to be true. Because it’s hard to have hope that things are going to get better, that the injustice can be defeated, when I still spend most of my time convincing people that it’s a problem.

In other news, I should always work out in the morning, because I get awfully cranky when I don’t.

Emotional Leadership

I have always been an emotional person. This has very rarely seemed like a good thing. I cry too much, I get too angry, I laugh too loud in movie theaters. But a few years ago at a Vineyard conference, I heard God whisper in my ear that he made me this way and he likes me this way. The tears and the laughter are real, intentional.

At the time I was leading a prayer ministry with all the solidity and permanence of a sand castle. And not those cool, professionally sculpted sand castles, either. My propensity to cry when moved by something felt like a giant liability. When I officially started coordinating the Sunday morning prayer team, I was warned to “hold it together,” so the congregants could feel confident that upper leadership were strong, stable people. While I don’t agree with that premise, the advice was not unwarranted. I had once totally lost it while teaching a prayer class and was left to snuffle awkwardly through my notes. And too often when praying for an individual, far too much of my energy was focused on not crying. That ministry fizzled until I left it and I have no idea what state it’s in today.

About a year ago I started leading a women’s open share group at Celebrate Recovery. This is a group where women come together and everyone can say anything they want for five minutes. No one is allowed to say anything in response without permission from the woman doing the sharing. It’s magical. While leading that group, I became pregnant after trying for a year, and lost the baby a week later. I couldn’t stop crying. I would calmly, even cheerfully read the rules for open share, listen intently to the other women, and then unashamedly bawl through my five minutes. That felt good, like open share is supposed to feel good. I could be as angry, grief-stricken, and irrational as I truly was and the women would listen and refuse to judge or fix me.

Almost all the women in my open share group decided to get into a 12-step group (where a closed group of people actually work through the 12 steps, as opposed to just sharing). It seemed natural for me to lead that 12-step group. For the first time in my life I heard not one but three people say, “I’m so glad that you’re going to be leading my group.” In the 12-steps, of which we have completed five, I’ve continued to be honest and vulnerable with my group, and the group has continued to prosper. I’ve seen more wonderful, positive, life-changing God stuff happening in that group that I’ve seen in any other ministry I’ve led. I thought only special people got to do that stuff. And I honestly think that a big part of the success and the main reason I’m comfortable leading at this level is that my emotionality and my leadership are no longer at odds. They are helping each other.

As it turns out, people feel more comfortable with an authentic, open, honest leader who is dealing with real stuff in their lives, than with a totally-okay-all-the-time leader. Or at least they are in Celebrate Recovery. What’s more, I think I’m a much better leader this way. This way, I spend no energy trying to put a choke-chain on my emotions. The things I do well – structure, follow-up, organization, prayer, all function better when I know it’s okay to cry. I am more trustworthy, more honest, less judgmental, a better leader when I can say, “I’m really angry right now.” And I am a hell of a lot happier when I can laugh and joke and be ecstatically happy without worrying that I won’t be taken seriously. This may seem obvious to some and sheer folly to others, but this is my hard-won conclusion.