Every time I judge someone, it bites me in the ass. Every time. Not always right away, but it’ll come. I’m worried about this principle because I’m reading a book that has kicked me into some super-advanced Yoda level judgment. It’s the kind of judgement that can only really be achieved by encountering a mindset you used to have, even fervently defended, and have now abandoned.
I’ve noticed lately that the easiest time to judge someone is when they’re coming from a place you used to be. Some of the most hardcore “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” people I know are those who used to live in poverty and worked their way out. The person most likely to criticize someone else’s eating habits is the person at the table who used to be obese. You would think it would be the other way around. Like the formerly obese person would have the most grace for the guy taking down a third slice of cheesecake, that they would understand where that guy is at and cut him some slack.
I get like this with religious Christians. I used to be an extremely religious Christian, and now I’m some other kind of Christian. Centered-set Christian, or Kingdom Theology Christian, or a Hangs Out with Drug Addicts Christian. Something like that. When Dave Schmelzer so eloquently speaks about Muslims who follow Jesus or Atheists who follow Jesus, I internally call myself a Recovering Christian who follows Jesus. That time of my life was miserable, I don’t ever want to go back there, and every time I hear someone talk or write like that way of living is a good idea, I go from zero to irate in 2.5 seconds.
If I’m talking to someone in a bad place that I used to be, I immediately feel superior to them. If they were as good, strong, smart, open-minded, committed, spiritual, or awesome as I am, they wouldn’t be in that bad place anymore. If they would just do what I did, they could get out. I think the human brain is predisposed to look for ways to inflate itself, and this is such an easy way to do it. I forget all the miracles I’ve experienced in my life, the lucky breaks, the divine interventions, the grace of God. I forget for a moment that I can’t really take credit for my own intelligence or even my work ethic. These are gifts too.
When I speak to someone who is living in a space I used to inhabit, I can very easily assume that I have nothing to learn from them. Since they are where I used to be and I have moved on, obviously they can only learn from me. It takes a great deal of humility to remember that no two places are exactly alike; someone else’s experiences are never going to be exactly the same as mine. And perhaps in my rush to get out of dodge, I missed a few things that might be valuable. Maybe someone who stayed a bit longer could teach me about that.
I’d like to think so anyway. It is harder but much better than writing off so much of humanity as hard-headed jerks. So I will try, really try, to get some good stuff out of this book I’m reading. If for no other reason than the love and respect I have for the dear friend who gave it to me.
Amen preach it! Charlie calls reading books like that “opposition research”, which might not bring on the warm and fuzzies or inspire much needed humility in my heart, but at least it does sometimes give me the ability to finish reading them and discuss them calmly. The vision of me dancing around a flaming book screaming “you can’t have me anymore!” and laughing like the cracked out love child of Richard Simmons and the Wicked Witch of the West is much rarer now. 🙂