A while ago a good friend of mine heard about something horrible person A had done to person B and my friend was so outraged, he declared that person A did not love person B. When I made some uncertain noises, my friend said that person A might have warm feelings for person B, but they did not love them because “love is what you do.”
This is an idea I’ve heard a bunch, including the classic DC Talk rap-music song “Love is Verb.” It’s kind of a thing. Yet that declaration of my dear friend made me feel uncertain and uncomfortable. After much thought, I concluded that it made me feel uncomfortable because, in my experience, people do all kinds of super creepy horrible stuff to each other, thinking that they’re doing it out of love. Sometimes even really truly meaning to do it out of love. That made me sad to realize, but it does kind of complicate the issue.
To complicate it even further, I don’t know how I feel about people doing nice actions for me without feeling nice things about me. I would appreciate the nice actions a lot, but it would make me really, really sad if I found out that the people doing the nice actions didn’t have any warm feelings for me. And when people who do have warm feelings for me are unable to do nice actions for me, I still really appreciate the feelings.
What do you think? Can love be defined in terms of action only, or does it require something else? Do warm feelings constitute love, or is that something else?
Story of Solomon and the baby comes to mind. He determined the feelings by the actions. To say love is an action is probably over simplification, to say that genuine love will be evident by the actions it inspires probably more accurate. And it exists with little relevance to the warm and fuzzies. You can tell who I really love by how I behave when I do not like them. If someone hurts me and I take action to save their life even while they are hurting me, I probably love them a lot. But if I sacrifice for someone for whom I feel warm and fuzzy then that is less evidence for great love. (Matthew 5:46) And the older (hopefully wiser?) I get the more I appreciate people who actively love me at times when I know they would honestly like to bounce my head off the wall. They are the only ones we can really count on.
Love is such a difficult concept for us to nail down, even the Bible spent a whole chapter just trying to explain the basic definition. If “Love is” patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. Does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Then I count 5 actions, 3 actions avoided, and 5 possible “feelings” (anger, pride, delight, trust, and hope are to my sense the only ones that can be remotely interpreted as primarily or exclusively emotional or mental states) It seems implied that Love is ALL of these things, ergo actions are required but the state of the soul (not warm and fuzzy but self sacrificially committed to another’s well being) is where they are born.
Greater love has no man than this, to feel like his friends are great people he wants to hang out with … no wait … Greater love has no man than this, to lay down his life for his friends AND feel nice about them at the same time … no .. wait … give me a minute … I will remember how it really goes.
I do really appreciate people who will sacrifice for me, even when they don’t like me very much. But I don’t want to live most of my life in that space. I want to live in a space where people think good things about me, and say good things about me, and do good things for me. That’s how I want to be with my friends. I want the love that flows down from God into me to make me see the people around me in the glow of his light. I’d like it if people saw me that way too.
The Bible does not say that love is gritty, that love is hard, that love sucks and you’re a great person if you keep doing it even though it sucks. I think God has better things than that for us.
Out of affection or liking; for pleasure, without compensation; gratuitously: for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of.
After reading this definition it’s hard for me to understand how someone would help or do for another without feeling some type of like or love. Unless it was for self gratification and/or recognition of others.
Love should be unconditional, accepting all faults, minus judgement. We need to love ourselves before we can love another.
Greater love hath … – No higher expression of love could be given. Life is the most valuable object we possess; and when a man is willing to lay that down for his friends it shows the utmost extent of love. It greatly enhances the love of Christ, that while the instances of those who have been willing to die for friends have been so rare, he was willing to die for enemies – bitter foes, who rejected his reign, persecuted him, reviled him, scorned him, and sought his life, 1 John 4:10; Romans 5:6, Romans 5:10. (Barnes’ notes on the Bible)
I came across your blog from some exciting things your husband is working on in his spare time. I appreciate the way you write. I appreciate the struggle in life and I think you are truly evaluating situations. I think the honesty in your writing makes you not be the elietist that you talk about. What you have written is excellent.