I was reading a book the other day, and this book made an off-hand comment about how silly it is for couples to expect that they’ll always feel in love. It struck me as odd. First, because the comment was made so casually, one clause in the middle of a sentence in the middle of a paragraph. As if the author was so sure that all readers would think, “Oh yeah, that’s so silly.” Second, because it reminded me that before I coupled up with my husband, I’d heard that thought quite often. The message was that the wonderful feelings of love fade once a couple has been together for a certain amount of time, and good, strong people stay with the relationship anyway. Flighty, silly, inconsistent people expect to feel in love all the time, and they end up very unhappy because none of their relationships last.
Back when my husband and I were first dating and I was glorying in the wonderful wash of euphoria, I remember thinking that I should not expect this feeling to last. At that moment, I decided that it was okay to enjoy the feelings, even if they weren’t permanent. I think I might have even written in my journal something like, “just because summer is coming doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t enjoy spring.” And that was the last time I thought about that until I read this book the other day.
Certainly my relationship with my husband has changed since we were first married. It would be rather odd if it hadn’t since we’ve been married for nearly seven years. We are kinder and wiser people than we used to be. We’re nicer to each other. We work more effectively together, we’ve got our housework peaceably divided, and we have better sex. I would not say that our love has “faded.” To fade is to become dull, less colorful. That does not describe us at all.
My friend Kim, who is wise in many ways, told me that she thinks the strong emotional bond between a couple, even between friends, is the time they’ve spent together. In relationship with people, you learn to communicate with them more effectively, you develop a rich library of memories together, you have more and more common experiences. It gets better. I wonder if that initial hormonal surge of euphoria is meant to be a bridge between the beginning of the relationship and a time when you have developed a true and rich love for each other.
Chemically, that’s exactly how it works out, if I recall correctly. The phenylethylamines that your body produces when you first start a relationship eventually give way to the serotonin that you later get from the benefits of being in a long-term relationship.
Sadly, you’d need a MAO inhibitor in order for ingested phenylethylamines to have this effect, so the idea that Ben could bring that initial euphoria by giving you chocolate is just wishful thinking.