It may (or may not) surprise you that more than once in my life, I’ve been asked why I continue to pursue a career that involves so much rejection and critique. This is not only because the publishing industry is known for chewing people up. Oh no, it’s mostly because I’m known for being particularly sensitive. Why would that be a problem?
I wind up in a lot of odd activities because my kind of courage is a conviction that I’ll be able to deal with problems when I get to them. This often results in blind or downright boneheaded decision making. This is how my soft, reclusive, easily wearied teenage self wound up on a three week backpacking trip in the Alps. It’s how my husband and I joined a church plant after leading one small group together. And more recently, it’s how I found myself raising my hand and saying “I’ll lead worship for Celebrate Recovery.” That is not to say that I regret any of these decisions. These have been some of the most profound experiences of my life and if I had skipped them, I simply would not be me.
However, half-way into the execution of these choices, I have to actually deal with the problems. More athletic hikers berate me for my slowness, and that soft reclusive person gets a little peeved that she wound up in this position.
So there’s an internal thumb war that takes place between the stubborn, boneheaded part of me and the sensitive, malleable bit. I need both pieces to make my life work. So much of what is creative and beautiful in my work comes from that soft place. That’s the part that feels deeply for causes, can empathize with totally unsympathetic characters, and will hear and respond to the voice of God. But the harder, stubborn part can use strategy and discipline to overcome obstacles, will continue to work in the face of adversity, and actually takes a gritty pleasure in doing so.
My question is not only who’s going to win, although that’ll be interesting. More deeply, is it possible to continue on without severely bruising or restraining an aspect of my personhood that I love?